Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Da Vinci Code Diet:
By David St. Albans.
c. 2006 all rights reserved:
The Hollywood Diet failed you? Pritikin’s Diet not working out? Atkin’s Diet got your stomach all in knots from not eating anything yeasty? Good news! This month’s issue of “Woman’s Day” (June 2006 issue), has a splash on the cover about losing a pound a day on the “Da Vinci Code Diet!” I beg to differ, you can, if you read the book and watch the movie carefully, lose up to TEN pounds per day on the Da Vinci Code Diet! Impossible! You say? A miracle! You proclaim? Not a bit of it. Read the book, go see the movie. It’s simple mathematics, the code is an easy one to break! NO ONE EVER EATS!
Here’s how the Da Vinci Code Diet works:
Day One, (expect a ten to fifteen pound weight loss! Yes! Amazing but true)!
1. Do a two hour college lecture without a break.
2. Do a three hour book signing. You are allowed one small bottled water.
3. Go to a major metropolitan museum. Walk around the outside and inside while being brow
beaten by the police.
4. See a horrible and even weird murder, lose your lunch.
5. Be chased out of the museum by the police.
6. Run through the streets of a major metropolitan city.
7. Run through a large corporate bank building to an armored vehicle.
8. Take a one hour ride, sans food or water into the countryside.
9. Have a knock down drag out fight with the vehicle driver.
10. Steal vehicle and drive one hour through countryside again.
11. Take one half cup of Earl Grey tea with lemon, no sugar.
12. All this time use calories up by thinking hard enough to out smart Leonardo Da Vinci, the
world’s best known genius.
Day Two: This begins without any sleep or food at all.
1. Hire a murderous albino monk to chase you all around a house.
2. Fight with and subdue the murderous albino monk, tie him up.
3. Run from the police again.
4. Drive a car one hour to nearest airport.
5. Take a one hour trip by jet to London. You still have not eaten or slept or bathed.
6. Run from police at the airport.
7.Run from murderous albino monk in large church.
8. Run away from a murderous limo driver.
9. Take a bus trip downtown.
10. Find yet another large church and run around it for approx. one hour.
11. Have a fight with a murderous crippled Holy Grail Expert.
12. Figure out the DaVinci Code (hint: Has nothing to do with Da Vinci at all, but everything
to do with Sir Isaac Newton! Helpful clue: APPLE)!
13. Drive to Scotland.
14. Run stair stepper exercizes through and around the Rossyln Chapel.
15. Find Holy Grail.
16. Meet with Secret Society of Grail Protectors.
17. Fly back to Paris.
Day Three: Still having had no food or water, having crapped your pants several times over gun fire and claustrophobic truck and elevator rides, you should now have lost upwards to twenty five pounds!
1. Take off clothes (you have just shed 3.8 pounds!)
2. Collapse into bed for 24 hour hours. (You have lost thirty pounds in three days!)
Day four: Begin process all over again.
For those who want an even more aggressive diet campaign, try the OPUS DEI DIET!
Step 1A. Become a murderous albino monk involved in the highly secretive Opus Dei society. Flagellate self one hour before book signing. Wear barbed wire around your thighs at all times. (Pain causes the body to reject all hunger pangs! A simple effective tool)!
Step 2A. Follow the above diet but YOU get to do all the CHASING! Remember to flagellate yourself at least three times a day. Warning: the Opus Dei Diet can end in death and/or coma. You must be in very good shape to begin this diet. Check with your doctor before beginning any diet regimen. However the Da Vinci Code Diet is good for even for sedentary, bookish fifty year old professors! Which means anyone can get results!
Check with me soon about the upcoming Knight’s Templar Diet! Where pain and suffering and fire become even more useful diet tools when aided by a full year of imprisonment in an authentic French dungeon!
For those in need of a “quick-fix Fad Diet program, why not try: THE HARRY POTTER DIET!? All you need is a magic wand and the incantation: “Fatus Be-gone-us!” Works like a veritable charm!